As part of my comprehensive settlement with state and local authorities I have been asked to make this public apology in an effort to help alleviate common misconceptions regarding the rights of citizens.
I realize that things got out of control. I know that now. The numerous interventions, the visits from social services along with the highway patrol have all helped me understand that my understanding on certain legal…particulars was inaccurate.
The following is a list of of common misconceptions that despite my insistence were absolute truths were, in fact, not true.
#1 If someone cuts you off in traffic, it is not legal to take the loaded pistol that you have in your lap and shake it at them out the window as a warning.
#2 It is not, in fact, legal to place a loaded pistol in your lap while driving a motor vehicle.
#3 With regards to #2, there is no exception to this rule even if you’re driving a JEEP Cherokee.
#4 There is no such thing as firing a few grazing or warning shots at people who are walking too close to the chicken coop that you’ve placed behind an abandoned building.
#5 Placing a chicken coop behind an abandoned building does not give one squatting rights to that property or allow for a legitimate claim of “adverse possession”.
#6 The Renaissance center is not an “abandoned building” despite what certain…(but perfectly reasonably) people might claim.
#7 You do not have the right to pull over when spotting a police officer and demand that he take you on a ride in his police car.
#8 You may not demand that federal judges refer to you as “Colonel” simply because you have purchased a metal bird insignia and placed it on your shorts.
#9 It is not considered appropriate to wear shorts into a federal court room. Even if the court room is too damn warm!
#10 You may not build a fence across a county road even if the road is not paved.
#11 It is poor judgment for a person to walk into a jewelry store with a loaded revolver to ask if they have a spanning wrench to tighten the barrel shroud.
#12 Writing a letter to yourself with a post-dated letter with a document, signed by yourself giving you annexation rights to parts of Detroit Michigan is not legally enforceable or, technically speaking, “sane”.
#13 Police are not required to wear “police caps” in order to give you a speeding ticket.
#14 If you raise a herd of goats on your residential property, it is not legal to allow them to wander around the neighborhood eating people’s landscaping.
#15 Before buying goats, check the zoning laws for your city or township.
#16 You cannot demand that a goat testify in court.
#17 You may not tap oak trees on city property in order to get syrup
#18 Oak trees, in fact, do not produce viable syrup due to too much tannin. I now know this.
#19 You may not demand sanctuary in city hall.
#20 If you are seeking a license for keeping bees on public property, do not bring the beehive inside with you into city hall
#21 Parking a boat in your driveway doesn’t mean that whatever happens on that boat is legal due to “the law of the sea”
#22 If you are wearing a long sword, take it off (this includes the scabbard) before driving your car.
#23 It is not appropriate to demand a police officer declare himself a Sith or a Jedi.
#24 Yelling “Ctrl-Z” during a police interrogation does not, in fact, take back whatever it is you said on record.
#25 It is inappropriate to pull off the road and ask a police officer which model laser (lidar) is using and then ask him to test it on your laser jammer to see if it works on your car.
I greatly appreciate the compassion and understanding shown by state, county, and local authorities on this matter. I also appreciate the consolidation of the 11 individual cases into a single class action suit (which has saved me a lot of travel time). I hope that these common misconceptions, which I agree that common sense would lend one to think were perfectly reasonable things to do, will help you, the reader avoid these subtle pitfalls that we must now deal with in our modern police state.