Brad Wardell's views about technology, politics, religion, world affairs, and all sorts of politically incorrect topics.
Tackling the age old question
Published on January 13, 2005 By Draginol In Sex & Romance

In Harry met Sally, the character Harry, played by Billy Crystal, asserts that men and women can't be friends because the sex thing always come into play.

There's always a lot of debate on this subject and as I get more life experience, the more I can conclude a firm maybe.  There are various levels of friendships and there are various forms those friendships can take.  So the simple answer is, yes a guy can be just friends with a woman. But there are a lot of qualifiers to that answer.

Qualifier #1: How close of a friend you can be is limited by any romantic relationships you may have. If you're married, it's okay to have girls who are friends whom you work with and see professionally. But don't expect to be having heart to heart talks on the phone at home with them or hanging out all the time.

Qualifier #2: The venues in which your friendship manifests itself is limited by any romantic relationships you have.  If you're married, you can certainly have female friends you can go out to lunch with or visit while on a trip.  But don't expect to take your female friend (And just your female friend) on a trip to some convnetion.

Qualifier #3: Your own personal discipline will have a great impact on how close a friendship you can have as well as what venues you can express your friendship in.  I have had a lot of female friends over the years. This has a lot to do with being raised by a single mother and being an only child. I simply tend to get along better with females as a generalization. But I also have a lot of self-discipline. And being a bit autistic I am able to fall into a pretty rigid pattern to make sure no invisible lines are crossed.  Human beings are feeling creatures. There's no way around it. So even if you recognize that deep feelings may exist in some inner resivoir, personal discipline can keep things in line. 

Personal discipline can mean being friends with people who also exhibit strong self-discipline. It can mean controlling the venue and putting safeguards on everything.  I have a lot of female friends but my wife also knows about all these friendships and I am conscious that some things are appropriate and others aren't.  For instance, some of my female friends I get along with so well that if they were a guy, I'd invite them to go to a movie with me and just me.  But because they're female, I don't.  This is partly out of the self-discipline I was discussing and part for my wife's peace of mind. She trusts me but healthy relationships mean both parties try to avoid doing things they know might cause stress for the other.

On the other hand, when I go to San Francisco or LA or New York or Washington DC on business and I have friends there who are females, I'd think nothing of going out to dinner to catch up on things.  Venue and intimacy of friendship are the two competing things.

So that's my rambling un-spellchecked take on the matter. You can be friends with people of the opposite sex but there are limitations on the venues that you can express your friendship in and the level of intimacy you can obtain with that friend that are not as much of an issue when the friend is of the same sex.

What's your take?


Comments
on Jan 13, 2005
It works for me because my best friend , a female, is also very friendly with my wife.
I do not think I could have a close female friendship with any woman if my wife and them did not get along or disliked each other.
When It comes right down to it, my best friend is my wife.
on Jan 13, 2005
My wife and I are coming up on 20 years of marriage. When we dated, she knew that most my friends were girls, and didn't have a problem with it (In fact, if she had have had a problem with it, I would have considered that a trust issue and we never would have married).

Through the Army, College and everything else our life together has put us through, I still have more friends that are women than are men, and my wife still has no problem with that.

Friends of the opposite sex are different than friends of the same sex. Not really because of what the relationship is, but what it could become. For me, I've lived by 1 basic rule where the "what it could become" is concerned.

Never do anything that I wouldn't tell my wife about!

Over the years, there have been a few rumors about me and one of my friends. It seems in our culture that if a guy and a girl are seen together, they must be having sex together... right? Anyway, when these rumors have made their way to my wife's ears, she just laughed. She knew the truth, and I have never given her reason to wonder because of that one basic rule I've lived by.
on Jan 13, 2005

I have been pondering this question recently. It is a difficult one. I think of all your points, Qualifier #3 is the most pertinent.

Self-discipline is key. Each person must set boundaries for life in regards to opposite sex friendships. These boundaries must be set in stone and applicable to everyone. There should be no exceptions.

Unfortunately, if the friend does not share the same rigid boundaries, the friendship will deteriorate quickly and end in a blowout.

on Jan 14, 2005
my experience is that you're never going to get through life without developing a variety of crushes. these may or may not be sexual. depends. self-discipline is the key, as well as not placing yourself in any situation where you know you could be tempted. Problem is, these days, is that a lot of people think that a crush is being in love, which, of course, it isn't.
on Jan 14, 2005
Self Discipline

That truly is the first thing.

However as Brad stated it also takes a trusting wife. Most of my really good friends are female and most of them are married. However the woman that is currently divorcing me has accused me for years of sleeping with each and every one of them. I haven't and I'm stubborn so I have continued to see my friends though only in public places. Even now while waiting to finalize the divorce she still accuses me of sleeping with one friend who is happily married with 3 kids and a great guy for a husband. She accuses me I guess, because I have spent a few nights over at their house in the guest room in the past few months ( I had to get away from the fighting). The thing she doesn't understand is that I would never do anything to mess up my friends relationship with her husband, he and I hang out too and I care for them both too much.

I guess the moral to the entire thread is to first make sure that your potential mate isOK with you having friends of the oposite sex and then never put yourself in a situation that could backfire on you.

My marriage was on the way down anyhow but her lack of trust surly didn't help.
on Jan 14, 2005
My wife and I have a general rule about this. "You can't have a friend of the opposite sex who isn't also a friend of your spouse. Preferably, the friend is a better friend to the spouse than yourself."

It sounds somewhat restrictive, I know. It may sound that there's a trust issue, but there's not. My wife and I trust each other implicitly. We've just seen and heard of too many cases where "just friends" became more than "just friends". Since nobody's perfect, why risk it?

Everybody makes mistakes and errors of judgement. We put in place a system whereby this particular error in judgement is short-circuited at the source, because the consequences are just too dire. I'd much rather abide by this rule and have complete peace of mind than have a few extra female friends. I used to have many female friends, but now that I'm married they've fallen by the wayside and now I have guy friends. I'm okay with that, and my life is better off for it.
on Jan 14, 2005
It truly depends on the relationship and the individual. I've had males as best friends before. They're not around anymore. This was prior to being married and in a different country. But one of them unfortunately did cross the line. He confessed he was madly in love with me for as long as we've been friends. I was shocked because he was my sister's boyfriend at the time. You see, he was my girlfriend's boyfriend and then my sister's boyfriend (sorry If I confused you). But before all those relationships, we were friends first. After his confession, and me telling him, I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way. We drifted apart. It was a loss I deeply regretted. The send one, we drifted apart after I left my homeland.

Would my husband have liked me to be friends with another male in the same way? Maybe, as long as he's friends with him too. But I do have a few male friends, we're just not as close as I am with my girlfriends.

So I guess as have already been stated, it depends on trust and boundaries. And he or she better darn well be friends with your other half too!
on Jan 20, 2005

Most of my friends through out my life have been female.  Being male, some people have assumed that must mean that I'm sexually attracted to them.  While I should point out, for the sake of accuracy (and their egos ), they are all fairly attractive, the thing is, I love my wife.  I love her more than I have ever loved anyone else and I can't imagine that changing.  Self discipline has never even come into the picture because I have never been tempted (though perhaps that's what Brad is referring to).  I also think the fact that I love my wife so much is one of the main reasons my female friends have been willing to be friends with me, since they know I will be "safe" around them and not try to hit on them.  Or perhaps they are trying to hit on me, and I'm just too blind, or too stupid , to see it.  Anyway, I apologize for the use of two emoticons in this post, since I normally hate to use them, but that's my view on the matter.

Cheers

on Jan 21, 2005
While a a number of respondents have said that self-discipline is the key, I also consider trust and honesty to be right up along side it. My wife and I have no restrictions on our friendships. Her closest friends are men and mine are women. Jealousy is not in our vocabulary. I have had this discussion with a number of my male friends who are more inclined to believe men can't be friends. Of course, these are men who have problems relating to most people, so this doesn't surprise me.

Good post, Draginol.

Cheers,

Maso
on Nov 15, 2006
i think you have absolutly no life whatsoever ^^
on Apr 25, 2008
It seems in our culture that if a guy and a girl are seen together, they must be having sex together... right?


Wrong. I have made many attempts to create this illusion. Sadly, all have failed.
on Apr 26, 2008

My best friend is a guy, and while there is a certain amount of sexual tension between us, we would never date each other, that's just not us.  But I agree with your post, Draginol.  It all makes sense to me.  

on Apr 26, 2008
Well, this is an old one dragged up by someone who seems to enjoy dragging up old stuff, but I'll bite anyway.

I have a number of female friends. There is no sexual tension and we get along just fine. One of them gave me a nice shoulder rub tonight. It wasn't sexual at all, I just had a sore muscle. If you can't have a friend of the opposite sex without feeling something sexual perhaps you should be seeing a shrink.

I've had very close friends of both sexes with whom I have felt very close and had no problem with confidence or sexual issues.